Your dating criteria. What they are and why you need them.

Whether you read blog posts for tips on how to meet a great guy or listen to dating podcasts, at some point one piece of advice that you will hear is that you should write down what you are looking for in a partner.  

Often called a soulmate list, the idea is that by writing down your dating criteria, you set an intention, engage your subconscious and ask the universe to help you find your Mr. Right. The idea of the universe helping with the heavy lifting of online dating is very compelling. So, whether they believe the universe will deliver or not, most of my clients have tried this advice.

Like a lot of dating advice, this advice is both true and not true.

Many women follow this advice and dutifully compose a list of characteristics as the criteria for their ideal partner. I know I did. I wanted him to be well-traveled, have children, enjoy skiing and hiking and be 5’10 inches or taller.

It's normal when we think of potential partners for our minds to focus on physical attributes or interests.

A better way

But then, a Tarot Card reader  (Sally Felt for those of you looking for a good one) asked what was important about dating a man with children. I explained that I wanted to know if the guy that I was dating could make a commitment at least to his children. And, how he treated his children seemed like a good indicator of how he might treat someone important in his life.

Sally suggested that I would be more successful in my quest for love if I were to focus on his values and how he made me feel rather than his characteristics.

This advice changed everything

Understanding the values behind a random set of characteristics is a game changer for several reasons. First, once you know the values that you are seeking, you can screen for those values and reduce the time that you spend on men who aren’t going to be long-term prospects. Second, finding a man whose values align with yours is a much better indication of compatibility in a partner than enjoying skiing or white water rafting.

What values are important to you?

Before you head out to a party this weekend, or fire up Bumble and start swiping sit quietly and ask yourself:

• What values are most important to you?
• Are you looking for someone who values his family or his independence
• Someone who is no bullshit or someone who values positivity?
• What makes you feel safe?
• How do you want to feel when you are with your Mr. Right?

If you want to dig deeper into your strengths and values the VIA Character Strengths Survey can be helpful. 

Once you’ve connected with the values of your ideal partner you are ready to write up your dating criteria.  Be sure to review it regularly. Use this as your north star as you head off into the wild world of dating. Good luck!

If you would like to read more about how to connect deeply with who you are looking for as a partner, be sure to read the blog post Intentional Dating: What it is and how to leverage it.