Problematic dating patterns & how to fix them

Recently, a client came to me frustrated with her reaction to certain dating situations. She recognized that she was pointlessly exhausting herself emotionally and she was ready for a change.

What about you? Is there something you want to change about how you date? Here are some key strategies to help you make the dating shifts that can lead to lasting love.

Identify your Goal

If you only have a vague idea of what you are trying to achieve, it’s difficult to achieve it. You might try different approaches but not get the results you desire.

Take a moment to pinpoint the specific change you want to make in your dating life.

• Do you want to feel more confident on first dates?
• Would you like to better trust your intuition and recognize red (or pink!) flags?
  Is your goal to stop wasting time by screening out incompatible partners earlier in the dating process?

Imagine yourself a year from now, having achieved this goal.

• How do you know you’ve achieved your goal
• How will you feel?
• What will be different?

Set your intention

It’s easy to get stuck in familiar patterns. Psychologists call it “self-concept inertia.” It’s when your current self-view is so familiar, that it resists change, even when change is for the better. Setting an intention can help overcome this inertia. It can activate your determination and move you from wishful thinking to commitment.

Try asking yourself:

• If you weren’t limited by old beliefs, who would you want to be?
• What’s important about achieving this new version of yourself?

Research from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows that people who set intentions aligned with their ideal selves are more likely to make lasting changes in behavior.

Commit to action

Behavior changes with awareness and regular action. Identify two or three small you can actions that will move you toward the dating change you desire.

For instance:

• If your goal is to pay better attention to red flags, create a habit of noting any “off” feelings. Write them down after each date, and look for patterns

These actions don’t need to be big or intimidating to be effective, but they should push you slightly outside of your comfort zone.

Plan for Resistance

Your old identity—the part of you that’s used to how things have been—may resist the changes you want to make. Your inner voice may bombard you with justifications for not practicing your intended actions and reasons why you shouldn’t change. According to Dr. Carol Dweck’s research on growth mindset, anticipating resistance and reminding yourself that you have control over your thoughts can empower you to move forward.

When you hear these discouraging voices, acknowledge them as thoughts, and instead of letting them deter you, remind yourself that you can choose your thoughts.

Watch Your Transformation

As you consistently act in alignment with your new intentions, you’ll start to see changes in how you view yourself. If your old identity was that you’re “an introvert who hates dating,” and you find yourself engaging in conversation with dates and learning interesting things from potential partners, your self-identity will start to evolve with your actions.

Practice Regularly

Change comes through regular practice so keep at it! And, celebrate your breakthrough, no matter how small. Did you go on a date and screen for your ideal partner criteria? Acknowledge it. Positive reinforcement helps sustain momentum and keeps you motivated.

Remember, it’s normal to have setbacks. If you find yourself slipping into old habits, be kind to yourself and recommit to trying again. In a study published by the Journal of Behavioral Therapy, researchers found that self-compassion is critical to achieving long-term behavioral changes. It's a journey, and every step counts.

Finding love in 2025 doesn’t mean becoming a new person; it’s about aligning with your goals and desires. By setting clear goals, committing to action, anticipating resistance, and practicing self-compassion, you can reshape your dating experiences.

Good luck!

Not sure if you have unhelpful dating patterns? Unpack your Dating Patterns can help!

About Me 

Hi, I’m Rachel and my coaching practice is dedicated to ensuring that successful professional women achieve the same success in their romantic relationships that they have in their careers.

If you are struggling to find a great partner to date or marry, I can help.

As a coach, I understand that each person's journey to a great partner is unique. That's why I offer customized coaching plans for your situation.

In our work together, we’ll uncover any patterns or beliefs that may be standing in your way and create a personalized path to help you move forward with confidence. I’ll be there to support you every step of the way.

If this resonates with you, let’s connect. A dating strategy session could be your first step toward creating the relationship you’re looking for.